Crude Humor (NSR)

[john4surf]

Elton John and his partner Davis Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate
mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward.
A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them
and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."

 

[john4surf]

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?

I probably posted this before. When you’re over seventy.............who cares?

 

[john4surf]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother”

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24-years old”

 

[john4surf]

Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
-----------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
-----------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
-----------------------------------

A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

 

[john4surf]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,



"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says ......
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents?"

 

[laidback]

Blond man jokes just aren't as funny

 

[sickdog]

Well John, if you are calling for crude, I could tell my, "What are you doing Daddy", joke.

 

[john4surf]

Well John, if you are calling for crude, I could tell my, "What are you doing Daddy", joke.

Is that the second thing a Southern girl says duing sex for the first time? The first being, "Get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."?

 

[john4surf]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

"May I help you sir?", she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie".

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row".

Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick "

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick "

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Your Moms Dildo]

My wife likes me to put it in her ear..

Every time I go to put in her mouth, she turns her head.

 

[john4surf]

One morning at breakfast he asks:

Honey why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?

She replies:

You asked me not to phone you when you're surfing.

 

[john4surf]

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

“Really?", said the manager. "My wife is from Canada.”
“No sh!t?", replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?”

 

[john4surf]

Tyrone moves to Ohio

Tyrone was having trouble in school.

His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone. Can't you learn anything????

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing.?? The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease .Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a good chance you Ride a pop-out.

 

[john4surf]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!" she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great" he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken."

 

[sickdog]

One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman. While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your language."

The fisherman replies, "Oh... No father, that's the name of a fish. It's a sonofabitch."

The priest heads back to the church. On his way he sees the bishop and addresses him, "Look at the sonofabitch I just caught at the pier!"

The bishop replies, "Father! You are in the house of the lord!"

The priest says, "Oh no! That's the name of the fish, it's a sonofabitch."

The bishop replies, "Oh, if you give me it I can clean it and have Mother Superior cook it for our dinner with the pope."

He cleans the fish and brings it to Mother Superior, "Can you cook this sonofabitch."

She replies, "Why I never! What language for a bishop!"

The bishop tells her, "No, that's the name of the fish. Can you cook it for our dinner with the pope?"

She agrees and makes it up for their dinner with the pope. They sit down with the pope and he takes one bite, "This is wonderful! What is it?"

The priest says, "I caught that sonofabitch."

The bishop says, "I cleaned that sonofabitch."

Mother Superior says, "And I cooks that sonofabitch."

The pope gives them all a blank stare for a moment, takes off his hat, puts it on the table, and says, "You fuckers are alright."

 

[john4surf]

To my friends who
enjoy a glass of wine,
and those who don't ,
and are always
seen with a bottle of water
in their hand,
Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials ,
scientists have demonstrated that
if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli,
(E.. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk
when drinking wine and beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through
a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink
wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water
and be full of sh!t.

VERIFICATION:
BOTH THE HOUSE OF COMMONS AND THE SENATE
DRINK A LOT OF WATER
WHILE IN SESSION.
THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . .

There is no need to thank me for
this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

 

[john4surf]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at
a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going
to give you money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a hot shower
and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? "The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”