Crude Humor (NSR)

[john4surf]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kidding' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day, darling"!

 

[john4surf]

A bit of cultural news, for a welcome change.


j
After a two year loan to the United States,
Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy.




His Proud Sponsors were:

 

[john4surf]

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower..

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye

 

[ElOgro]

Hey John don’t use the reply function. Or something.

 

[john4surf]

This is so typical, they just don’t take care of themselves and make it so hard on us due to their indifference as to how it may affect our daily routine! Besides, it is not as easy to carry them as it once was! . They don’t realize how lucky they are that we are so tolerant!

 

[john4surf]

Duh

 

[john4surf]

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born, according to
statistics which were just released from the United Nations Board of Health Teams.

Data revealed that American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to
three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once
or twice per year, if they are lucky.

This news came as a BIG shock to myself and "my Surfing buddies," as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese!

 

[john4surf]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

"Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Well I went to Hawaii, and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "so, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

 

[000]

click

http://imgur.com/a/RpNN4e4

 

[john4surf]

Ummmm

 

[000]

 

[john4surf]

Duh

 

[john4surf]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

[john4surf]

 

[john4surf]

Not all jocks are dumb


Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

Tommy Lasorda , Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

 

[000]

http://imgur.com/a/8ZgftNb

 

[john4surf]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.]

The Scottish woman came to him and said,
"'ave ya ever been fucked laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

[000]

http://imgur.com/QrzTnKw

 

[000]

this guy actually posts here
so maybe he read it from me

http://instagr.am/p/B5fquisHrix/

 

[john4surf]