Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
6,885
6
38
CBS, CA
6 sick one's. Go no further if you're easily offended!

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanities at her husband from her
hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in
your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"


2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I
spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent
$2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I
spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I just can't figure them out!


3. A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be
rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."


4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says,
"What are you doing?" His father says, "We
are making you a little brother." The boy answers,
"Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a
puppy!"


5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with
to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm
washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your
sister-in-law."


6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's
wife sun bathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was
jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing
there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
 

ElOgro

Duke status
Dec 3, 2010
17,094
20
38
Autoprax's Dad: Son, if you keep jacking off you're gonna go blind.

Autoprax: Dad, I'm over here.
 

Autoprax

Duke status
Jan 24, 2011
30,533
57
48
Vagina Point
When I was young and in my prime,
I used to masturbate all the time,
Now that I am old and grey
I only masturbate twice a day

--from a Paul Theroux book, I can't remember which one.
 

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
6,885
6
38
CBS, CA
Steak said:
You realize you'll never be rehired in today's kinder, gentler, sexually inoffensive
world???

:roflmao: :cheers:
Is that a bad thing? Oh wait, I retired last September and do not plan to work another day in what's left of this trip before visiting the other side. BTW, I get a lot of emails from guys I worked with over the decades, many are too vile for even the erBB. The occasional nugget like the OP is too good not to share with other warped minds of souless surfers :cheers:
 

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
6,885
6
38
CBS, CA
ElOgro said:
Keep 'em coming. :applause2:

1) A pervert calls the house, wife answewrs... With heavy breathing, the caller says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's just got back from surfing -- who shall I say is calling?"


2) In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
 

BaliIdiot

Kelly Slater status
Jan 9, 2008
8,029
0
0
Republik Indonesia Serikat
Keep 'em coming Chief! Jokes can't be too degenerate or off color, that's sort of the point!


A pedophile and a young girl are walking through a dark forest when the girl says "It's getting dark and I'm scared". The pedophile replies, "You're scared, I gotta walk outta here by myself!"





 

ElOgro

Duke status
Dec 3, 2010
17,094
20
38
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says,

"Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?"

"No," said the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church," says the priest.

Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again, Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church!" exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world! Now sit down!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant could be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fvcked a penguin. Dopey fvcked a penguin."
 

Autoprax

Duke status
Jan 24, 2011
30,533
57
48
Vagina Point
This is a pick up artist joke that is funny if you do right:

You approach the table where there are attractive women sitting.

You say, "Hello, I'm trying to get better at walking up to attractive women and starting a conversation with them." Wait a beat. "Do you mind if I practice on you until any show up?"
 

ElOgro

Duke status
Dec 3, 2010
17,094
20
38
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain."This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 

ElOgro

Duke status
Dec 3, 2010
17,094
20
38
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked the elderly couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two week?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway any more either."