Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
113
CBS, CA
Valuable information that you would never hear about on
the Discovery or History channels.

History of the condom:
This pearl of history may have escaped you.

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this:

In 1272, the Greeks invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the Italians refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
113
CBS, CA
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"


Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our

country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.


There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was

extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them

about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and

stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him

to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.


Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the

lantern back and forth, back and forth.


Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his

lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters,
but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.


What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in

the forest to serve all who came.


General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.


The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.


Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad

smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right

place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'


Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'


And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
 

brukuns

Kelly Slater status
Mar 5, 2014
9,774
4,526
113
Sao Paulo/Brazil
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters,
but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.

We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
I feel so stupid, I didn't get it at all.
 

Hump

Phil Edwards status
Jan 10, 2002
5,909
2,130
113
Vancouver Island
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home I told him that I loved him . . He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt... who the hell misses a one-foot putt?!?





Mouldy oldie but funny.



Take care.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
113
CBS, CA
-A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

‘No sh!t?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
113
CBS, CA
True Story

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed.
When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna.
He looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,
you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
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CBS, CA
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after
her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had
a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when
dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having
explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place
it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the
ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
 

TheEl

Billy Hamilton status
Oct 31, 2010
1,378
1,354
113
A priest and a rabbi are walking by an all boys school.

The priest says to the rabbi "hey, lets go screw those little boys"

The rabbi says "screw them out of what?!"
 
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sickdog

Legend (inyourownmind)
Aug 5, 2006
493
283
63
That reminds me of the joke, "What's the object of Jewish football?" (Hint: After the snap, it's the first priority of the defense string.)
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,925
3,565
113
CBS, CA
A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee.

The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another 10 feet, and finally hacked it another 5 feet. She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said defiantly, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help!"

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck..... He was only 68.
 
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stringcheese

Miki Dora status
Jun 21, 2017
3,925
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When she said "your mit is so dusty I can hear it singing son of a preacher man" I laughed so hard I had to make a real effort to stop and breath :LOL:
 
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