Crude Humor (NSR)

jackcheez

Legend (inyourownmind)
Aug 9, 2015
469
0
16
So an old nun and a young nun are riding their bicycles

down a cobblestone street.

"I've never come this way before", said the young nun.

"It's the cobblestones", replied the old nun.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
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A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and announces

'Cleanup, Register 5'
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
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Best Smart-Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
The flight attendant asked passenger John, “Would you like dinner?”
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman 👮 ‍ ♂ ️ got out of his vehicle and approached the kid, 'I've been waiting for you all day.’
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police vehicle 🚔 comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.

Ten (10) Things I know about you:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it. . . .You idiot!

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA

> So how did the wedding go?" I asked my workmate Akeem, on his return
> to the factory today.
>
> "Not too good, actually." He replied, solemnly. "My new bride died at
> the reception."
>
> "What happened?" I asked. "Did she blow herself up over the gifts or
> something?"
>
> "Oh f...k you! F...K YOU!! How dare you say something like that
> about her, about me, and frankly, about Muslim culture?"
> "We're not all barbarians who would do such awful sh!t like that -
> We're a tolerant and peaceful religion and deserve some f...king
> respect."
>
> "Look, Akeem, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so prejudiced, forgive
> me," I grovelled. "So how did she pass away?"
>
> "We stoned her for drinking alcohol."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
Subject: Missing person report


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't
know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2016, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited
4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge
option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather
heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has
a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats.
Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS
navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six
cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy
wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running
boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband
started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
Business had been terrible and was not picking up.

I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover, after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said. "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" She replied. "I feel like sh!t. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

I had to let Jack go.
 

sirfun

Duke status
Apr 26, 2008
17,550
6,886
113
U.S.A.
A guy was hitching a ride in rural East Kentucky when a trucker picked him up.

after some brief chit-chat the trucker asked the guy if he was a drinking man.

the guy said sure.

the trucker told him to look in the glove box and when he opens it up there was nothing in there but a mason jar with clear liquid in it.

The Hitcher said that's moonshine! I know about that stuff, that's really bad for you so I'm not going to drink that!

he looks over and the trucker is holding the pistol on him, saying Drink it.

now he's got no choice so he takes a big old slug. His head spins and he sees stars. When his head clears he sees that the trucker is now offering him the pistol.

saying okay now you hold it on me.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today .
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned
in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon .

Makes you proud to be an American.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
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CBS, CA
My daughter walked into the living room and said: Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.

Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said : "Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....

It takes less than 15 seconds..



You SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S


.
Answers:
1. RANDOM


2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?




The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. First among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Have you heard of the new Playboy magazine for married men? It’s the same as the old Playboy
Only the center fold is the same month after month after month.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
A Bottle of Merlot.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is
from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at
the man, then decided to send a reply
to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a
response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to
deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to
be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I
have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,
and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty
million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the wine back.'
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
A blonde lady motorist (Carol) was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered Carol, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.

"I'd be happy to," said Carol.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Carol's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was Carol walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to her.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said Carol, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
 

Retropete

Phil Edwards status
Jan 20, 2006
5,962
4,401
113
Sunny Coast Qld Australia
john4surf said:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. First among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Have you heard of the new Playboy magazine for married men? It’s the same as the old Playboy
Only the center fold is the same month after month after month.
Love your work...keep em coming!
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips,
revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to
reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball
cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,"
says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the
bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do something sexy to a tractor."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
A 10 tear old girl asks her mom; “Mommy, how was I born? "

The mom smiled and replied:

“Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed.
Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every day.
After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves, and in a few months
it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that
we had sex without a condom! “


Gets you all choked up...
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
The Urinal Is Too High!

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade.”

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
"Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?"

"Because your mother loves roses."

"Thanks dad."

"No problem BJ"


The Indian was sitting in his teepee when his son entered and asked, "Father, how did you name my sister and me?"

The dad said, "well when your sister was born, I stepped out of the teepee to announce her birth and by tradition, I named her the first thing I saw which was three eagles in the sky above our camp. So I named her, 'Three Eagles Fly'

"Why do you ask Two Dogs Fvcking?"
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth...

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor... Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries... "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Arizona, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled an all-knowing smile… "I will create California…Wait till you see the politicians I'll put there to run that state."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,927
3,569
113
CBS, CA
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."