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Crude Humor (NSR)
- Thread starter john4surf
- Start date
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:.
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following ...
:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has a ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:.
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following ...
:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has a ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Costco!
Will I Live to see 85?
(Something to think about.)
After having to choose a new primary care doctor, I was curious.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am north of 75).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?
(Something to think about.)
After having to choose a new primary care doctor, I was curious.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am north of 75).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?
gonna post funny stuff from slaters book:
There was a woman whom I’d met in France in 1991 during my first season on tour when I had been traveling there with a crew of young Australians. We had a loft in our rented apartment reserved for bringing home girls, and everyone else slept downstairs. One of the guys brought a girl home one night, and we woke up to check her out. After they finished whatever they were doing, somebody yelled up, “Swing ya mates,” Australian slang for, “Ask her if she wants to hook up with any of your friends.”
We walked up to the loft and the lights came on, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. “Oh no,” we realized. “She’s not cute at all.” In fact, she was hideous. She had to be forty years old, and next to the bed was a baby carrier with an infant in it. This crazed groupie was traveling with her baby! Still thinking we were interested she went into her purse and pulled out an ASP ratings list. She looked at each of us, saying, “What’s the names? Are they on here?” She barely spoke English, but we knew what she was saying. If we were on the list, she wanted to get to know us.
I couldn’t believe there were surfing groupies like that in the world. Fortunately, it had been my first year on tour, and I wasn’t on the list. I just said, “Oh well, too bad for me.” The other guys were saying the same thing. “Nope. Not me. I’m not on there either.”
There was a woman whom I’d met in France in 1991 during my first season on tour when I had been traveling there with a crew of young Australians. We had a loft in our rented apartment reserved for bringing home girls, and everyone else slept downstairs. One of the guys brought a girl home one night, and we woke up to check her out. After they finished whatever they were doing, somebody yelled up, “Swing ya mates,” Australian slang for, “Ask her if she wants to hook up with any of your friends.”
We walked up to the loft and the lights came on, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. “Oh no,” we realized. “She’s not cute at all.” In fact, she was hideous. She had to be forty years old, and next to the bed was a baby carrier with an infant in it. This crazed groupie was traveling with her baby! Still thinking we were interested she went into her purse and pulled out an ASP ratings list. She looked at each of us, saying, “What’s the names? Are they on here?” She barely spoke English, but we knew what she was saying. If we were on the list, she wanted to get to know us.
I couldn’t believe there were surfing groupies like that in the world. Fortunately, it had been my first year on tour, and I wasn’t on the list. I just said, “Oh well, too bad for me.” The other guys were saying the same thing. “Nope. Not me. I’m not on there either.”
She started showing up at the contest and soon set her radar on me. In 1992, before my second year competing on the French leg, I received a lot of attention from the media. She screamed my name on the beach and held signs that said things like “I love Kelly Slater” and “E=MC2.” (I still can’t figure out the “E=MC2” part.) She’d walked in front of me holding up these signs like she was the head of my fan club or something, not even looking at me.
During the summer of 1993, she went to Australia, found out where my apartment was and slept out front in a van with her child. Luckily, I wasn’t there at the time. My roommate Stretch informed the police that she was stalking the apartment, and she was deported. If she got inside the apartment, she probably would have boiled my rabbit, just like in the movie Fatal Attraction.
When I went back to France that summer for the contests, she was there. She slept on the ground outside my front door, so in the morning I couldn’t leave my hotel without stepping over her. She wrote “E=MC2” and “I love Kelly” in lipstick all over our elevator, on our door, and all around the contest. I lost early in the event and was hoping to get the next flight out of Europe. She followed me to the airport, and there were no flights out for a couple days. I sat there, wondering what to do as she snapped pictures
During the summer of 1993, she went to Australia, found out where my apartment was and slept out front in a van with her child. Luckily, I wasn’t there at the time. My roommate Stretch informed the police that she was stalking the apartment, and she was deported. If she got inside the apartment, she probably would have boiled my rabbit, just like in the movie Fatal Attraction.
When I went back to France that summer for the contests, she was there. She slept on the ground outside my front door, so in the morning I couldn’t leave my hotel without stepping over her. She wrote “E=MC2” and “I love Kelly” in lipstick all over our elevator, on our door, and all around the contest. I lost early in the event and was hoping to get the next flight out of Europe. She followed me to the airport, and there were no flights out for a couple days. I sat there, wondering what to do as she snapped pictures
A man walks into the bathroom at an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s day and sees a leprechaun taking a ****. The man grabs the leprechaun and says, "I got you, where's the gold?" The leprechaun tells the man the he will give him the gold but first he needs the man to answer 3 questions and do one task. The man agrees and the leprechaun asks, What is your name? Jerry How old are you Jerry? 37 Are you married Jerry? Yes, married with 3 kids
Now Jerry, I'm going to need you to diddle my pepis (man parts) to get the gold.
Jerry considers backing out but decides he really needs the money and services the leprechaun.
As the leprechaun zips up his pants he says to Jerry, Jerry, I have one more question... You're 37 years old, married with 3 kids and you still believe in leprechauns do ya? Happy St Patrick's day moron.
#ultimatedwarftouch
Now Jerry, I'm going to need you to diddle my pepis (man parts) to get the gold.
Jerry considers backing out but decides he really needs the money and services the leprechaun.
As the leprechaun zips up his pants he says to Jerry, Jerry, I have one more question... You're 37 years old, married with 3 kids and you still believe in leprechauns do ya? Happy St Patrick's day moron.
#ultimatedwarftouch
A guy was at his local Irish watering hole on St. Patrick’s Day, and went to use the restroom. He noticed a little guy dressed like a leprechaun standing in the corner of the bathroom while he was washing up. He makes his way back to the bar and inquires with the bartender about the little guy.
The bartender says to him “he’s actually a real leprechaun, and if you ask him nicely, he’ll grant your wish.…” But, before the bartender could finish what he was saying, the guys rushes back to the restroom.
On his way back to the bathroom, he noticed there’s a new piano player he hadn’t seen before who appeared to be a foot and a half tall.
He bursts back into the restroom and says to the leprechaun "hi there, are you an actual leprechaun? The bartender said if I asked nicely, you would grant me a wish. “
“Aye laddie, I am indeed, a leprechaun. Sure, I’ll grant you a wish. “
“Well, then I wish for a million bucks!" The leprechaun snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
The guy walks back to the bar dejected and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that leprechaun. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The bartender replies, "yeah, I know. You didn’t let me finish and I was about to tell you that he’s hard of hearing. You think I would’ve asked for an 18 inch pianist?"
The bartender says to him “he’s actually a real leprechaun, and if you ask him nicely, he’ll grant your wish.…” But, before the bartender could finish what he was saying, the guys rushes back to the restroom.
On his way back to the bathroom, he noticed there’s a new piano player he hadn’t seen before who appeared to be a foot and a half tall.
He bursts back into the restroom and says to the leprechaun "hi there, are you an actual leprechaun? The bartender said if I asked nicely, you would grant me a wish. “
“Aye laddie, I am indeed, a leprechaun. Sure, I’ll grant you a wish. “
“Well, then I wish for a million bucks!" The leprechaun snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
The guy walks back to the bar dejected and says, "Hey man, I think there's something wrong with that leprechaun. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The bartender replies, "yeah, I know. You didn’t let me finish and I was about to tell you that he’s hard of hearing. You think I would’ve asked for an 18 inch pianist?"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
“We're getting granite counter tops.”
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
“We're getting granite counter tops.”
2 preachers were talking, one told the other that someone stole his bicycle, and he was pretty sure that it was someone in his congregation. The other told him to give a sermon on the 10 commandments next Sunday, and when he got to thou shall not steal, really hammer it, just maybe they'll feel bad and return his bike.
So about a week later he saw the preacher on his bike and stopped him and asked if the sermon worked? He told him it sure did. So, did you hammer on thou shall not steal? He said no, when I got to thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike.
So about a week later he saw the preacher on his bike and stopped him and asked if the sermon worked? He told him it sure did. So, did you hammer on thou shall not steal? He said no, when I got to thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike.