Crude Humor (NSR)

[2surf]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John at dinner.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this is a lie-detecting robot, now tell us where you were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[john4surf]

 

[john4surf]

Two old men, Frank and Albert used to meet regularly for breakfast. Then Frank disappeared for a month. Albert was worried but he could not remember Frank’s home address.

After one month Frank reappeared.

*Albert:* "What happened to you? You had me worried."

*Frank:* "I was in jail."

*Albert:* "Jailed for what?

*Frank:* "Remember Lily, the waitress who works at the coffee shop?"

*Albert:* "Yes l do. What about her?"

*Frank:* "She filed rape charges against me. At 85 years old, I was so proud that I pleaded guilty.


*The damn Judge gave me 30 days for LYING under Oath."

 

[john4surf]

Poor Guy!


Where's the public outcry when a white man yells, “I can’t breathe!”?

Where's the Mainstream Press?

Where's the Department of Justice?

Where's the Government?

Where are the Greens and Independents?

The camera tells the whole story.

This poor bastard is suffocating, and no one cares.


Share your outrage with everyone you know.

 

[Icu812]

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

 

[austard]

 

[000]

A mad scientist wants to see what will happen when a human tries to impregnate a gorilla, but no one will volunteer. Finally, he asks Jeff, the laboratory janitor, if he'll have sex with a female gorilla for $1000.
Jeff's like "All right, but on three conditions. First, she can't have any STDs. Second, no one ever finds out about this, ever. Third, I'm gonna need a couple days to come up with the $1000."

 

[Joshua2415]

Not long ago a merchant found many monkeys living near a certain Village. One day he came into the Village stating that he wanted to buy these monkeys.

He announced that he would buy the monkeys for $100 each.

The villagers thought that this man must be crazy - How can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each?

Still people caught some monkeys and sold them to the merchant for $100 each.

This news spread like wildfire and more people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.

After a few days, the merchant announced that he would now buy monkeys for $200 each.

The laziest villagers now ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!

They sold the remaining monkeys at $200 each.

The merchant then announced that he would buy monkeys for $500 each!

The villagers start to lose sleep!...They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that were left and got $500 each.

The villagers were awaiting anxiously for the next announcement.

Then the merchant announced that he is going on Holiday for a week, but when he returns, he will buy monkeys at $1000 each!

He also said that his employee will be in charge, and would take care of the monkeys he had purchased pending his return.

The Merchant went on holiday!

The Villagers were frantic and very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each as promised by the Merchant.

Then the Merchant's Employee contacted them and told them that he would secretly sell them some monkeys at $700 each.

The news spread like wildfire, as the Merchant had promised that on his return he would buy monkeys at $1000 each, for a $300 profit for each monkey.

The next day The Villagers queued up near the Monkey Cage.

The Employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The Rich bought monkeys in large lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and bought the rest of the monkeys!

The Villagers took care of their monkeys and waited for the Merchant to return!

However nobody came! ..... Then they ran to Find the Employee....However he was not to be found!

The Villagers then realized that they have been duped into buying the useless Stray monkeys at $700 each, and were now unable to sell them!

This Monkey Business is now known as Bitcoin!

 

[Joshua2415]

 

[Joshua2415]

 

[john4surf]

I haven’t been feeling well lately. I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.

 

[Joshua2415]

 

[sickdog]

What two jokes got Soupy Sales taken off the air?

1. I took my wife to see the Yankees play - I kissed her between the strikes, and she kissed me between the balls ...
2. 
   
3. My wife can't make a custard pie, but she sure can make my banana cream ...

I remember hearing it as; How does your wife make your banana cream? She sticks it in her cherry pie.

Circa 1965 Frequent shout outs "To all you surfers out there."

 

[Joshua2415]

 

[john4surf]

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was greeted by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.

One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them is a cannibal."

 

[Will there be snacks]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CmLIjmrgkQU/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

 

[john4surf]

 

[john4surf]

Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.​

 

[john4surf]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement
of your faith that you do not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat
thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the
sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[Mr Doof]