Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,306
2,105
113
CBS, CA
WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS!

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night ... tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
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john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,306
2,105
113
CBS, CA
Five Undeniable Facts of Life


1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is priceless.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband

5.
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven't verified these on "Snopes," but they sound about right!


THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR (again not verified by “Snopes”)!!!

1. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.

2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear

3. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

4. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke:

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.
 

crustBrother

Phil Edwards status
Apr 23, 2001
6,966
2,412
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A book on witchcraft will be totally useless if you don’t use spellcheck before publishing
 

john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,306
2,105
113
CBS, CA
I bought a new Tesla!! It runs on an electrical charge.
Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

"Nelson," the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie" he continued and "On The Road Again" flowed from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I'd say, "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, "Crazy Bitch!:. The radio replied, "Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?"
 

john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,306
2,105
113
CBS, CA
So I've suspected my gf is cheating on
me. The usual "red flags", she turns her
phone screen away when texting, always
going out with the girl friends, new
underwear all the time. I try to stay awake
for when she gets home, but I always end
up falling asleep. Anyway, last night I
decided I was going to hide under my car
and wait for her to come home. Shortly
after, a car pulled in and she got out while
buttoning up her shirt. She then took out
her panties and slipped them on under
her skirt. It was then, at that very
moment, that I noticed a hairline fracture
on my exhaust pipe. Is this something I
can weld? Or should I just get a whole
new exhaust?
 

Joshua2415

Tom Curren status
Jul 18, 2005
10,728
6,125
113
San Clemente
For those of you who miss Andy Rooney, and have a need for a good one liner or two, here you go:

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensives to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

14. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
 
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john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,306
2,105
113
CBS, CA
HIS NURSE, HIS WIFE, HIS DAUGHTER, AND TWO SONS, ARE WITH JIM

HE ASKS FOR TWO WITNESSES TO BE PRESENT AND CAMCORDER BE IN PLACE TO
RECORD HIS LAST WISHES

WHEN ALL IS READY HE BEGINS TO SPEAK.

"MY SON, BERNIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE OCEAN REEF HOUSES."

"MY DAUGHTER SYBIL, YOU TAKE THE APARTMENTS BETWEEN MILE MARKER 100
AND TAVERNIER"

"MY SON, JAMIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE OFFICES OVER IN THE MARATHON
GOVERNMENT CENTER.”

“SARAH, MY DEAR WIFE, PLEASE TAKE ALL THE RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS ON THE
BAY SIDE OF BLACKWATER SOUND"

THE NURSE AND WITNESS ARE BLOWN AWAY AS THEY DID NOT REALIZE HIS
EXTENSIVE HOLDINGS, AND AS DOUG SLIPS AWAY, THE NURSE SAYS:

“MRS PENDER, YOUR HUSBAND MUST HAVE BEEN SUCH A HARD WORKING MAN TO
HAVE ACCUMULATED ALL THIS PROPERTY.”

“THE WIFE REPLIES, "THE ASSHOLE HAS A PAPER ROUTE!!"
 
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