Crude Humor (NSR)

Oct 16, 2017
21
33
13
A man comes home with a box of flavoured condoms and says to his wife,

"We should play a game where I go in the bedroom, turn off the light, and I'll put one of these condoms on and you try to guess the flavour!"

The wife agrees, waits a minute, then follows her husband in the bedroom. She jumps on the bed, and puts his penis in her mouth and exclaims,

"Cheese and onion? "

to which he replies..

”Hang on I haven’t put it on yet“
 

john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,176
1,894
113
CBS, CA
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your Baby's Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda,
but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3.I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy
I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11.* I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
 
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john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,176
1,894
113
CBS, CA
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold..'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fvcking blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
 

Hump

Miki Dora status
Jan 10, 2002
5,566
928
113
Vancouver Island
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?




Take care.
 

Icu812

Legend (inyourownmind)
Jun 23, 2013
394
597
93
71
WEST of 101
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (I've just made mine!!!!)
1 cup sugar
half pound butter
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
Bottle Vodka
2 cups dried fruit
4 cups self raising flour
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh!t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.
 

john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,176
1,894
113
CBS, CA
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,
slender, almost-blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over, and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,

“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of beer you got?"

“ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE”
 
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john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,176
1,894
113
CBS, CA
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party.
The missus got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...
 
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crustBrother

Phil Edwards status
Apr 23, 2001
6,496
1,893
113
What’s similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They are both thinking “my mom is gonna kill me”.
 
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john4surf

Rabbitt Bartholomew status
May 28, 2005
8,176
1,894
113
CBS, CA
The new hooker had just finished her first trick.
When she came back down to the street the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She began; "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"What did he want to do?" they all asked.
She replied; "I told him that a straight lay was $100 and oral sex would be $75, but he said he didn't have that much money.
Finally I asked, 'Well, how much do you have?' and he said he only had $25. Then I told him, 'For $25 all I can do is service you by hand.' He agreed, and after getting the finances straight he pulled it out. I put my right hand on it, then put the my left hand above the first, and then my right hand above the second hand..."
"Oh, my God!" they all exclaimed; "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"