Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
9,000
3,697
113
CBS, CA
Nice story

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What’s your name?" asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
"We certainly do,” answers the Customer Service Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story...
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
9,000
3,697
113
CBS, CA
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
 
  • Haha
Reactions: hammies

Joshua2415

Tom Curren status
Jul 18, 2005
12,865
11,905
113
San Clemente
Brad lives in California..... He was sick of the world, of Covid-19,
Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and
the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window
as best he could. He got back into his car and rolled down all the
windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and, revved
it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw
him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in,
pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but
his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat.
 

kidfury

Duke status
Oct 14, 2017
24,994
10,746
113
Brad lives in California..... He was sick of the world, of Covid-19,
Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and
the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window
as best he could. He got back into his car and rolled down all the
windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and, revved
it to a slow idle.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw
him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in,
pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but
his Tesla had a dead battery.

Brad is a registered California Democrat.
Two days?
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
9,000
3,697
113
CBS, CA
AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So, I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.


However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Kento

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
9,000
3,697
113
CBS, CA
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of just fark’n one?"

ITS GOOD BEING IRISH!
 
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