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Crude Humor (NSR)
- Thread starter john4surf
- Start date
Been there, done that! Sometimes (after the fact) I think I should have kept my mouth shut
Last edited:
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
The redneck won hands down!
Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.
Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.
She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19.
Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.
She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
An Irishman's first drink with his son:
"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
"He didn't. I drank it
"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.
"He wouldn't even smell it.
"What could I do but drink it!
"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh!t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!"
Irish Confession:
"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
"When the priest came in, I said to him, 'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'"
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
______________________________
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
_____________________
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________
A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
______________________________
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
______________________________
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
"He didn't. I drank it
"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky.
"He wouldn't even smell it.
"What could I do but drink it!
"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh!t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!"
Irish Confession:
"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
"When the priest came in, I said to him, 'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'"
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
______________________________
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
_____________________
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced,
'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________
A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
______________________________
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
______________________________
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
|
Attachments
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin,
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer t!ts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,"
I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?”
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer t!ts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,"
I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?”
I was standing at the bar at the Legion post one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches…but, when you're an old carp............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk …"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please"
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'…"
When you're an old carp............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman at the Legion last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but… When you're an old carp...........who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but…
When you're an old carp.............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're an old carp............who cares?
**********
I went to our Legion last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're an old carp............who cares?
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches…but, when you're an old carp............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk …"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please"
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'…"
When you're an old carp............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman at the Legion last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but… When you're an old carp...........who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then.. try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but…
When you're an old carp.............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're an old carp............who cares?
**********
I went to our Legion last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're an old carp............who cares?
Canceled Leave it to Beaver Episode Excerpt
Ward: "What's wrong June, was I too hard on the beaver last night?"
June: "Oh Ward, I am so tired of that joke. I am worried though, this morning I found BDS&M phonography under the Beaver's mattress."
Ward: "Oh, brother."
June "What are we going to do about this?"
Ward: (pondering) "Well,.....we can't spank him, anymore."
Ward: "What's wrong June, was I too hard on the beaver last night?"
June: "Oh Ward, I am so tired of that joke. I am worried though, this morning I found BDS&M phonography under the Beaver's mattress."
Ward: "Oh, brother."
June "What are we going to do about this?"
Ward: (pondering) "Well,.....we can't spank him, anymore."
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."