Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
7,564
868
113
CBS, CA
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

“It’s nothing," said the father "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the
time to get married."


The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"


"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."
 
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john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
7,564
868
113
CBS, CA
Two priests go to the Baja on vacation.
They didn't want to look like clergy so they bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
Next morning they were at the beach and a topless blonde walked straight towards them. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning Fathers" then she passed on by.
Stunned, they wondered, how in the world did she know they were priests.
Next day on the beach the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them saying "Good Morning Fathers" walking away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Young lady, we're priests and proud of it. But how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are"[/QUOTE][/QUOTE][/QUOTE]
Two priests go to the Baja on vacation.
They didn't want to look like clergy so they bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
Next morning they were at the beach and a topless blonde walked straight towards them. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning Fathers" then she passed on by.
Stunned, they wondered, how in the world did she know they were priests.
Next day on the beach the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them saying "Good Morning Fathers" walking away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Young lady, we're priests and proud of it. But how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are"
D2C33562-26DF-4540-B99B-62E6553575DB.jpeg
 

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
7,564
868
113
CBS, CA
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at me
favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all
on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman."But it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."
 

Icu812

OTF status
Jun 23, 2013
261
276
63
69
WEST of 101
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
 

gbg

Michael Peterson status
Jan 22, 2006
2,184
930
113
What's worse than the Holocaust?

6 mission fucking Jews.
 

john4surf

Phil Edwards status
May 28, 2005
7,564
868
113
CBS, CA
An old carp goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,
"99".



The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".



Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.

The old guy begins, "One .... Two .. Three ...