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Crude Humor (NSR)
- Thread starter john4surf
- Start date
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about
from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want...garlic chicken wif snow peas?
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about
from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want...garlic chicken wif snow peas?
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A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Palm Beach Gardens, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Casper, Wyoming."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."--
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Casper, Wyoming."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."--
This is Sarah. She is 45 years old. She has two children, has never exercised a day in her life, and eats anything she wants. Sometimes she stays up until 3 am, drinking and partying. And she plays a mean game of golf!!
She has learned the secret of playing a lot of golf and living as you like.
What’s her secret? Nothing!
Sarah is in the background, near the upper right corner, wearing a green top. I don’t know who the girl is in the center.
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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed
at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
I'm not saying I'm bored with all this self isolation....
but did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle,
and hold a flame at the bottom of the bottle, eventually it gets pulled inside?
If you've done this and know how to get it out, please email me back.
I’m asking on behalf of a close friend.
but did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle,
and hold a flame at the bottom of the bottle, eventually it gets pulled inside?
If you've done this and know how to get it out, please email me back.
I’m asking on behalf of a close friend.
Yussel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead - do it -
or he would probably never ever have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don 't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
For many many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead - do it -
or he would probably never ever have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don 't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
A Farm Kid Joins the Marines
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places
get filled up.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places
get filled up.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice