Crude Humor (NSR)

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
Virus Warning!


Wutch out for diss wun guyzzz!!!!


Everyone, If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting I also receibed it but lukily I dont wutch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks.
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 

john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.
The cardiac surgeon paused,leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....
Try doing it with the engine running."
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
A daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."

Her mother says..."You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion! You drive a $250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
 
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Joshua2415

Tom Curren status
Jul 18, 2005
12,701
11,463
113
San Clemente

Male Logic
THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE
ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.

BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY
ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.
I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST
HUSBANDS OUT THERE:

WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES

WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.
IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT !

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,
THE
PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT !

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?
MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
WOMAN: NO.

MAN: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
In the original native culture of Siam (Thailand), when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity and the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok!

I tried to check this out on Snopes and they said I was a pervert!
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
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john4surf

Kelly Slater status
May 28, 2005
8,920
3,557
113
CBS, CA
Can a tennis player lose a point,


a game and a match


and still have a great set?


I believe the answer is 'YES'.

















4C1C4459-E74E-44BB-B736-488BC47054EE.jpeg

[/QUOTE]
 
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000

Duke status
Feb 20, 2003
26,018
7,171
113
my buddy was a toy as a friend for the kid with none


well this kid below needed a mom - not a friend

so he got a MY MOMMY







[IMG]
well, thats what dad said it was for ...





thinks he takes her outta the house cuz she likes it? or is he just showing off?
 
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