Crude Humor (NSR)

[Subway]

A gynecologist is having a drink with a colleague one evening, and says "you'll never believe this clitoris today, it was just like a pickled Gherkin!!"

The colleague says "no sh+t, it was that big?!"

"No, it was just really salty"

 

[john4surf]

MORE THOUGHTS ON SEX :

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 70 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camile Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarceration. The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton Lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!”
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

 

[john4surf]

The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.

 

[john4surf]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo S in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.


There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

 

[john4surf]

If Bruce Jenner goes missing, will they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?

 

[LurkNoMore]

...

 

[john4surf]

I got invited to a party and was told
> ‘dress to kill’. Apparently a turban, beard and a
> backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> After a night of drink, drugs and wild
> sex, Jimmy woke up to find himself next to a really ugly
> woman. That's when he realized he had made it home
> safely.
>
> ---------------------------------------

>
> A boy asks his granny, 'Have you
> seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies,
> fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
> 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy
> body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
> 'Your sense of humor!
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> The wife's back on the warpath
> again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all
> I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> I spent a couple of hours defrosting
> the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes
> to call it.
>
> ---------------------------------------
>
> After both suffering from depression
> for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide
> yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I
> started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it,
> soldier on!"
>
> -------------------------------------

>
> I woke up this morning at 8, and could
> sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the
> wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I
> panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
> McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 .
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> The other night, my wife asked me how
> many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you.
> All the others kept me awake all night!"
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> My missus packed my bags, and as I
> walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a
> slow and painful death, you bastard!"
> "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to
> stay!"
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> A Catholic boy in confession says,
> "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while
> thinking about my sister." "That's a
> disgrace," said the priest, “especially when you have
> two gorgeous brothers."
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> I've just installed strobe lights
> in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving
> during sex.
>
>

 

[john4surf]

I went over to the
local surf shop to get a small a bar of wax for my son..
When I was ready to pay for the wax, the cashier (a cutie no more than 25)
said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the owner about the credit card control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I
found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card
in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to
make their instructions to old carps a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.

 

[john4surf]

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

 

[john4surf]

I despise Trump, I have little to no respect for 'I never saw a TV camera I didn't like.' To keep it in balance, here is a list of things I trust more than I trust Hillary...

Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

A fart when I have diarrhea

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

Michael Jackson's Doctor

An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

A Palestinian on a motorcycle

Gas station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter economic plan

Brian Williams news reports

Loch Ness monster sightings

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol

Emails from Nigerian princes

The Heimlich Maneuver from Barney Frank

A condom made in China

A prostate exam from Captain Hook

And finally....

Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention.

 

[john4surf]

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Afro-Americans on Star Trek?
A . Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell,'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all aren’t going to believe this sh!t.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have n Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

 

[john4surf]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

 

[john4surf]

<img src="http://i.imgur.com/eIrRjOi.jpg" alt="Uploaded with Imgupr" />


Blonde Math

 

[john4surf]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
"Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife (a blonde obviously), the word is sternum."

 

[john4surf]

A husband and his wife went to the doctor.

The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed, and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife, and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor gave him an exam, and told him he would see his wife.

The doctor took her to another cubicle, and told her to completely disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax! There is nothing wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either !!

 

[donuts]

three chinese businessmen sit down at the bar.

bartender says "why the same face guys?"











i need to get cruder.

 

[john4surf]

Dear Abby

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time, now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my surfboard that I noticed a hairline crack where the plug meets the graphite stringer on my go-to summer board with carbon fiber fins. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it to Joe Roper?

Concerned Surfer.

 

[john4surf]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other
woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self !'


About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again

 

[john4surf]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________ _______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________ _______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________ _______________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_______________ _______________ ___
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________ _______________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________ _______________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_______________ _______________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_______________ _______________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_______________ _______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________ _______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________ _______________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________ _______________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________ _______________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________ _______________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________ _______________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________ _______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________ _______________ ________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[john4surf]

Turns out that Cecil the Lion was no choirboy. Photos have
surfaced of Cecil in the act of killing and eating Gary the
Gazelle, a favorite of both locals and visitors at Zimbabwe’s
Hwange National Park, where he delighted onlookers with
his trademark leap while clicking his heels (no small feat,
pardon the pun). Gary was 12 years old and leaves behind
his beloved wife, Greta Gazelle, and their 8 offspring, whose
names don’t translate to English.