Crude Humor (NSR)

[john4surf]

I was walking through the mall, and noticed a Muslim book store. Out of curiosity, I went on in.
A bearded tall male clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like the normal clientele). I asked him if they had a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk growled, “Fvck off. Get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?”

 

[BaliIdiot]

Man says to a woman in bar: "Where you been all my life?"

Woman: "Hiding from you."

Actually it goes like this:

Man says to a woman in bar: "Where you been all my life?"

Woman: "Well, for the first half of it I wasn't yet born!"

 

[ElOgro]

Remember this one?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

 

[chuzzlewit]

this is from real life - the other day on mother's day - in thick brooklyn accents:

lady to lady2 "happy mother's day!"
lady2 "thanks - you too!"
man with lady2 "what? you ain't gonna wish me happy mother's day?"
lady "you ain't no mother!"
man "i know, but i'm a muthafucka!"

 

[BaliIdiot]

Remember this one?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

An oldie, but maybe one of the best jokes in circulation!

 

[BaliIdiot]

I was changing my 'erBB password the other day and I thought I would be clever and typed in 'My_Dick' to which the computer responded, "Not long enough".

 

[barrysnyder]

Good stuff boys.
You know how I know?
Wife hated them!
Carry on!

 

[john4surf]

Why there are so few white guy's in the NBA... click https://i.imgur.com/8oewHKo.gif

 

[SmackDaddy]

I was changing my 'erBB password the other day and I thought I would be clever and typed in 'My_Dick' to which the computer responded, "Not long enough".

That's hilarious!

 

[jonibebadd]

where do suicide bombers go when they die?







Everywhere

 

[john4surf]

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim.

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.

 

[ElOgro]

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too."

"Again I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. "Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake."

 

[john4surf]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

[ElOgro]

There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new Zealand farm, and in a
back paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep.
The farmer says "Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep"
and the New Zealander replies "get Stuffed - I'm not shearing
this sheep with anyone.

 

[john4surf]

Subject: 6 years


Early one morning an elderly, retired Soldier yelled to his wife:

“Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency.”


She yelled back: “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast !"

 

[john4surf]

Husband’s Text Message to wife:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to On my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in
the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you......

Wife’s Response:
Who the Fvck is Paula?

 

[ElOgro]

A man and his pet monkey go into a bar.

The man orders a beer and as the bartender is bringing the beer the monkey suddenly jumps on the bar, eats all the peanuts, popcorn, lemon slices lemon slices from the bar well, and a couple of napkins.

The monkey then jumps off the bar hops across the floor to the pool table where he jumps up on the table, grabs the que ball, looks at it, and swallows it whole.

The owner of the bar is outraged and tells the man he's gonna have to pay for the damage. The man agrees to pay, pays up, and leaves.

A month later the man and the monkey return to the same bar. The man orders a beer and the monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, looks at it, and eats it.

The bar customers are retching, the bartender asks the man wtf is up with your monkey?

The man answers "ever since the last time we were here he likes to measure before he eats anything."

 

[john4surf]

<img src="http://i.imgur.com/YB2KIZE.png" alt="Uploaded with Imgupr" />

 

[Icu812]

A guys comes home late after drinking with his buddies. He's got a chicken under his arm, he opens the door to his house and there's his wife waiting...he says, 'here's the pig I've been f*cking', his wife says, 'that's not a pig you idiot'...he says...'I was talking to the chicken'...

 

[laidback]

Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says, "That's pretty cool....were'd you get him"
parrot says, "Africa.....there's millions of them"