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funny surfer sayings.... #642640
05/27/05 08:38 PM
05/27/05 08:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,030
The Dirty Southwest
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GEO Offline OP
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GEO  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,030
The Dirty Southwest
Things You Always Wanted to Say to Another Surfer

*

Thanks for wasting another wave. . . how many is that?
*

Could you park in front of me on the next wave, too?
*

Yes, stay right there. I’m gonna’ run over your butt on the next wave.
*

If you want to go home now, no one will complain.
*

OK, you surf better than I do, but do you have to make it so obvious?
*

Its generally a good idea to look in front of you when you’re surfing.
*

Yes, you got 500 waves with your big board. . . now maybe you should try a turn or something.
*

You know, its not really fair that you weigh 30 pounds less than me.
*

Man you look goofy in that hood. . . Uh oh, I’m wearing one too.
*

What were you thinking when you bought a board with five fins?
*

Behind this fixed smile I’m tearing your head off for dropping in on me.
*

Nothing personal, but surfing is not the sport for you.
*

I’m proud of myself for not laughing, that has a hilarious wipe out.
*

I saw you kook-out on that last wave— I’m just pretending like I didn’t see it out of courtesy.
*

You can’t surf that well, you’re too young.
*

Gee you’re old. . . I don’t look like that, do I?
*

Please shut up, you’re getting on everyone’s nerves
*

Oh goody! One more story about your last surfing vacation.
*

I want to send my condolences to your wife. Every woman makes a mistake now and then.
*

Get a larger towel-- I never want to see your shiny butt again.
*

So you’re slim and good looking and surf well and drive a BMW. That girl with you doesn’t know what’s she’s missing.
*

Why can’t I do that?

Editor's note: OK, so this one was a bit sarcastic but we couldn't resist. Remember that civility starts with resisting the temptation to vent at your colleagues in the line up. Forgiveness buys Karma Points. End of sermon.



Spouse Scripts

*

Are you really going surfing again this Saturday?
*

I don’t understand it; the new board looks just like your other ones.
*

Why don’t you take the kids (your neighbor, cousin, dog, nephew, niece) to the beach with you?
*

Are you really going surfing in the rain?
*

What time are you going to be home?
*

Is the surf really better there?
*

You haven’t forgot about the party (church, dinner, project)?
*

Do you really get any exercise? Most of the surfers seem to just sit there.
*

How can you be tired? You were only out for three hours!
*

I guess the yard (garage, sink, dishwasher, etc.) will have to wait for next week.
*

But the other wetsuit is only a year old!

Yo' Mamma Lines

1.

Yo’ cutbacks are so lame, it take 10 minutes to change direction.
2.

Yo’ bottom turns are so sad, the wave takes a break for you to catch up.
3.

Yo’ style so sad, people call 9-1-1 when you paddle out.
4.

Yo’ surfing so ugly, the sharks draw straws.
5.

Yo’ surfing so bad, Dr. Kevorkian sends you discount coupons.
6.

Yo’ surfing crew is so disrespected, the police declare an unlawful assembly.
7.

Yo’ head so big you use an oil drum for a helmet.
8.

Yo’ surfing so bad you should claim the 5th and be silent.
9.

Yo’ turns are so sad, everyone think youse still goin straight!
10.

Yo’ ride was so bad, someone should run you over and put you out of yo’ misery.
11.

Yo’ paddling is so weak, yo’ fiends paddle in and shower before make it to the line up.
12.

Yo’ chest so skinny you use saran wrap for a wetsuit.
13.

Yo’ so out of shape they strap an oxygen battle to yo’ board.
14.

Yo’ wipeouts so bad, the funeral home park their hearse in the lot.
15.

Yo’ so old you need a walker to get to the beach.
16.

Yo’ so fat yo’ board cries uncle when you catch a wave.
17.

Yo’ turns so ugly, even the sharks smile.
18.

Yo’ leash is so old and stretched you can use it for dental floss.
19.

Yo’ board is so bad dogs think it’s a fire hydrant and stand in line.
20.

Yo’ board has been repaired so many times, it weighs more than a two person kayak.
21.

Yo’ board has so much duck tape it looks like a floating AirStream.
22.

Ugly, ugly, ugly! Yo’ stick so nasty, you couldn’t sell it with a negative price tag.
23.

Yo’ board so rough you need a sign: “speed bumps ahead.”
24.

Yo’ board is so nasty OSHA takes water samples when you surf.
25.

Yo’ board so long you need a Class B driver’s license and it beeps when you back up.
26.

Yo’ board so long the nose reaches the line up and the tail is still on the beach.
27.

Yo’ board so long you have to blow a horn before making a turn.
28.

Yo’ board so big you need a chart to plan your next turn.
29.

Yo’ board so long you need a limo to get it to the beach.
30.

Keep yo’ eyes on the sky, bro’, yo’ board so long Navy jets try to land on its deck.
31.

Yo’ board so long they made it in sections.
32.

Yo’ board so fat the shop took a vacation while it dried.
33.

Yo’ board so long boats try to dock when you paddle out.
34.

Must be El Nino, yo’ board so long the City wants to use it as a sea wall.
35.

Yo’ board so big you need a tug boat to turn it.
36.

Yo’ board so fat they used a 2X4 for a stringer.
37.

Yo’ board so big even the waves don’t want to hit it.
38.

Yo’ board so long, the Sierra Club thinks whale migration has started.
39.

You don’t have to worry about getting sick, yo’ wetsuit so nasty the bacteria are afraid.
40.

Yo’ board so short you should put the lease on the nose.
41.

Yo’ board so small you could hide it with your car keys.
42.

Yo’ board so short all we see is yo’ head stickin out of the water.
43.

You don’t need no leash, that board so small you can use a key chain.
44.

Yo’ board is so small, the seals play Frisbee with it.
45.

Yo’ board so short you can only stand one foot at a time.
46.

Yo’ board so skinny you can pick yo’ teeth with it.
47.

Yo’ board so small the shaper used a Styrofoam cooler instead of a blank.
48.

When you go to Hawaii, yo’ board so short the airline lets you take it as carry on.
49.

Yo’ board so short you need a snorkel when you paddle.
50.

Yo’ board so short there ain’t no place to put a decal.
51.

Yo’ board so short no one can tell which end is the front.

Surfers' Famous Last Words

*

Don't worry, those are just dolphins! (thanks, Mike)
*

Hey, watch this!
*

What's the worst that could happen?
*

Mine! . . . I got it!
*

It doesn't look that big.
*

Don't sweat it, there's a channel!
*

Outside! Outside! Outside!
*

It's a little big for a beginner, but you'll do fine!
*

You catch this one, I'll be right behind you.
*

I'm going to paddle out by myself, I'll see you when you get here.
*

Relax, those rocks are a long ways away.
*

Bring the boat back in about three hours, that should be enough time.
*

I like a short board in big surf.
*

Pretty good, huh? I repaired this board myself!
*

So this is how tow in surfing is done!
*

Let's both go, this wave is big enough for two people!
*

We're from New Jersey, can you tell us where Maverick's is?
*

We're from the mainland, can you tell us where Pipleline is?
*

No hay problema! This fisherman knows these reefs like the back of his hand!
*

Come on, Air Venezuela has been around for a long time.
*

Chicken! The Boeing 707 has a great safety record.
*

I love the food from vendors on the beach. . . its so natural.
*

That three-hour workout at the gym was just a warm up for this session.
*

Let's see who can hold their breath the longest!
*

That's too small, I'm heading North.
*

There are no poisonous fish in Tahiti!
*

Antibiotics are for wimps!
*

I'm a traditionalist, leashes are for wimps.
*

Helmets are for wimps!
*

You mean you replace your leash every year?
*

Don't worry about me, I'll warm up soon enough.
*

Check this out, I'm gonna' take off fins first!
*

OK, let me show you how a 360 is really done.
*

Let me have this wave, would you? My girlfriend is watching from the beach.
*

Hey, I can compete with the pros.
*

Looks like the swell has really calmed down.
*

I checked the internet, the swell isn't supposed to hit until late afternoon.
*

Surfing at night is the ultimate rush!
*

Let's see who can shoot the pier first!
*

Relax, Amigo. There are no terrorists on this island. Besides, who would bother a surfer?
*

I got a great deal on a rental car!
*

It's safe to sleep in the beach; just like the old days.
*

Who says a VW van can't go fast down hills?
*

Damn, these island roads are narrow!
*

The beach is just another 100 yards down this steep trail.
*

The water is plenty deep here.
*

Hold my board why I jump, would you?
*

He's a wimp. I'm gonna' call his bluff.
*

That's just an old wives' tale about the currents here.
*

I thought the book said the tides were incoming, not outgoing.
*

They don't give those young troops bullets for their guns.
*

Ignore those stupid signs, the City puts them up every time it rains. They do it so they won't get sued.

Editor's note: The sad truth is that there's usually a clue before it happens. Surf safe.



Why You’re Late Coming Home

*

I couldn’t believe how many people it took to drag that poor beached wale back out to sea.
*

Can you believe how much I paid for this waterproof watch and then it leaks?
*

Whoa, I’m tired. It was tough saving that guy and doing CPR, but the paramedics think he’s going to be OK.
*

I tried to make it on time, but the interviews took longer than expected.

Before Paddling Out

*

Please don’t let the reporters know I’m here. I hate when they follow me around.
*

Is that Matt Ambrose? I’ve gotta' move North, he’s always bugging me for advice.
*

If I don’t come back, you can have my dog.
*

Alert the media, I’ll be at the Pier.

When Going for the Impossible Wave

*

Hey, watch this!
*

Banzai!
*

If I don’t make it, you can have my lawn mower!
*

Why am I doing this?

After a Great Wipeout

*

Damn, I hate it when the seals grab your leash.
*

You didn’t see that did you?
*

Please help me kill the witnesses.
*

Is it your first day too?
*

Did I at least get a 10 for artistic expression?
*

I knew I shouldn’t have had group sex last night.
*

I guess the Surf Police are going to suspend my license again.
*

Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

After a Good Wave

*

Now that I’ve shown you how, its your turn.
*

Please, no autographs in the line up.
*

Must of fired some 20 year old neurons.
*

Do you suppose I’ll be able to do that again in my lifetime?
*

What happened there?
*

Sure glad I had my Viagra last night.
*

If someone got my picture, I’m quitting surfing while I’m ahead.

When the Surf is Horrible

*

At least its miserable and cold.
*

We’ve surfed uglier, haven’t we?
*

I’m glad there’s another masochist out here.
*

Let me ask you. . . Why?
*

Is there a reason we’re out here?
*

This is desperation surfing.
*

This is either exercise or an exercise in futility.
*

Is it still considered surfing when you don’t catch any waves?
*

You know, golf sounds pretty good right now.
*

Let’s drive up and down the coast and wave at the girls (boys).
*

I left a wife and a warm bed for this?
*

Just shoot me and get it over with.
*

I’m sure it will get a lot worse when the tide changes.
*

If we could just have a few more knots of wind.
*

Not much to work with, huh?

When You Drop in On Your Bro’

*

Sorry, I thought you were going left- right point breaks only
*

Sorry, I thought you were going right- left point breaks only (thanks to reader Havard)
*

Gee, I didn’t see you.
*

If you can’t drop in on your friends, who can you drop in on?
*

That’s a payback for 1992 when you dropped in on me.
*

Do you still love me?
*

OK, next one is yours.
*

Did you like my bottom turn? Hope I didn't splash you.

When You’re Too Tired To Continue

*

I can’t feel my feet any more.
*

Would you tow me into the beach?
*

Nap time.
*

Is there a local bus that comes by here?

What to Say to Groms

*

Guess its time for me to go back to the nursing home.
*

We’re you born on that surfboard?
*

Be kind to your elders.
*

Yes, but I pay property taxes.
*

Do you want to live to be 13?
*

Yeah, we old guys are having a bingo party later on.
*

We’re thinking about putting in a wheel chair ramp to the beach.
*

Hell, I was surfing here before you were a nasty suggestion.

Dissin’ Short Boarders

*

Why don’t you get a real surfboard?
*

Having fun trying to paddle into these waves?
*

How about adding a foot to that board?
*

Pretending to be 16 again?
*

I figure the sharks will go for the people who sit lowest in the line-up.

Dissin’ Long Boarders

*

Why don’t you get a real surfboard?
*

Having fun trying to paddle out with that monster?
*

Do you know that the size of your board is inversely proportional to the length of (fill in the blank) ?
*

Do you have a Class B license for that thing?
*

How many trees gave their lives for that thing?
*

Do you need help carrying that monster back to the parking lot?
*

Will that thing fit into a U-Haul truck?
*

I thought the 60’s were in the 60’s.
*

Is that a Buick or a Cadillac?
*

Bet that’s great for fishing.
*

Does it come with oars?
*

Do you have radar and GPS for that board?

Beginners Hanging Out on the Inside

*

Speed bumps
*

House plants
*

Door stops
*

Flotsam or Jetsam
*

I feel like I’m in a pinball machine
*

Must be good; 2,000 people can’t be wrong
*

Heads up or heads off, pal
*

What is this, a slalom course?


be invincible~
Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: GEO] #642641
05/27/05 08:46 PM
05/27/05 08:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,030
The Dirty Southwest
G
GEO Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
GEO  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
**
G

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,030
The Dirty Southwest
and for everyone here:

" I checked the internet, the swell isn't supposed to hit until late afternoon."


be invincible~
Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: GEO] #642642
10/05/07 11:03 PM
10/05/07 11:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 21,632
Cyclist hell
J
JJR Offline
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Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 21,632
Cyclist hell
Top! This thread has some priceless info. Thanks Geo!

Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: GEO] #642643
10/05/07 11:21 PM
10/05/07 11:21 PM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 49,845
The Bar
K
Kento Offline
Duke status
Kento  Offline
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K

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 49,845
The Bar
Nice!

Some of those are classic, GEO...


Nothing is obscene provided it is done in bad taste.

Russ Meyer
Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: Kento] #642644
10/06/07 03:09 AM
10/06/07 03:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 6
C
CaptRon Offline
Grom
CaptRon  Offline
Grom
C

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 6
haha


Prepare to be boarded
Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: CaptRon] #642645
10/06/07 03:13 AM
10/06/07 03:13 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 49,845
The Bar
K
Kento Offline
Duke status
Kento  Offline
Duke status
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K

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 49,845
The Bar
You're not worthy of the username Captain Ron. If you WERE, this is what you would have said:

Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking. You can do it, mates. I've never seen such surfers. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals. My God, everyone of you, naturals... We're gonna ***** die.

Or something along those lines.


Nothing is obscene provided it is done in bad taste.

Russ Meyer
Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: CaptRon] #642646
10/06/07 03:15 AM
10/06/07 03:15 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 21,912
SOCAL
2
20W-50 and blood Offline
Duke status
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2

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 21,912
SOCAL
Geol.
..you goimng to sacred craft? i wanan drink

Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: 20W-50 and blood] #642647
10/06/07 05:19 AM
10/06/07 05:19 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 52
coastal so cali
T
tincan Offline
Grom
tincan  Offline
Grom
*
T

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 52
coastal so cali
so far as I know, GEO is off to Costa Rica! dunno his return date. This post got dredged up from waaaaay back when.

Re: funny surfer sayings.... [Re: GEO] #642649
10/06/07 05:39 PM
10/06/07 05:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 18,921
San Diego, CA
S
SmackDaddy Offline
Duke status
SmackDaddy  Offline
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Posts: 18,921
San Diego, CA
I called Geo last night about 7 pm, he had just gotten to Lindbergh to catch his flight and apparently a few cocktails before hand.

Anyway:
Quote:

If you want to go home now, no one will complain.





Whenever someone asks me what time it is in the water my rapid fire wit spews out something "about time for you to catch one in, the wife is calling, or the game is on, or your tee time is near....)" Then they chuckle a little and I look them dead in the eye, and say "really, I'm serious, it's time". Always good for a laugh.


I don't often fvck around, but when I do, I don't fvck around.

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