REMINDER: Siteowner has no obligation to monitor the Forums. However, Siteowner reserves the right to review the Materials submitted to or posted on the Forums, and remove, delete, redact or otherwise modify such Materials, in its sole discretion and for any reason whatsoever, at any time and from time to time, without notice or further obligation to you. Siteowner has no obligation to display or post any Materials provided by you. Siteowner reserves the right to disclose, at any time and from time to time, any information or Materials that Siteowner deems necessary or appropriate to satisfy any applicable law, regulation, contract obligation, legal or dispute process or government request. To further read the rules and terms of agreement of this Forum, click here.

Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 34 of 41 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 40 41
Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2883630
12/06/18 01:54 AM
12/06/18 01:54 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
An old carp surfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.


"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"


"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My surfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"


"The good news is... ... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."


"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can surf again."


The operation went well and a year later the man was at the beach when he bumped into the surgeon.


"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.


"Just great," says the old carp. "I'm riding the best surf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my paddling has really improved."


"That's great," said the surgeon.


"Not only that," continued the surfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."


"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"


"Well, just two, said the old carp, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2884238
12/07/18 01:18 AM
12/07/18 01:18 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his

seventy-two virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah

why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah looked at him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the

seventy-two virgins are here in Paradise because people like you

murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.

So you're here to service them.

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly,


you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from

Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.

How hard can it be to keep seventy-two women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2885375
12/10/18 03:56 PM
12/10/18 03:56 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
You Promised!

A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: You promise not to get mad at me, no matter what I say?

Woman: Yes, I promise.

Man: I fvcked your sister.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2886047
12/11/18 08:58 PM
12/11/18 08:58 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA

"Survivor - Texas Style"

Due to the popularity of the TV "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do
one entitled: "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then
proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally, back to
Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Toyota Prius with 15 bumper stickers
which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"

2. "Amnesty For Illegals"

3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"

4. "Boycott Beef"

5. "I Voted For Obama"

6. "George Strait Sucks"

7. "Elect Hillary In 2020"

8. "Vote Eric Holder - Texas Governor"

9. "Rosie O'Donnell Is Texas Born"

10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"

11. "Bernie Sanders Is My Hero"

12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"

13. "It's all Bush's Fault"

14. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion

- and the last sticker is:

15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2887171
12/14/18 03:27 AM
12/14/18 03:27 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
A circus owner runs an ad for a 'lion tamer' and two people showed up. One is an old carp surfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old carp replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2887831
12/16/18 12:12 AM
12/16/18 12:12 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something

that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2887834
12/16/18 12:19 AM
12/16/18 12:19 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,115
H
huryanpost Offline
Michael Peterson status
huryanpost  Offline
Michael Peterson status
**
H

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,115
Love that joke

Thanks

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2888137
12/17/18 12:13 AM
12/17/18 12:13 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT



8:00 am: I made a snowman.



8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.



8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.



8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.



8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.



8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.



8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.



8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.



8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.



8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended



8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.



8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.



8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.



9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.



9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.



9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded



Moral:



There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2889679
12/20/18 06:31 PM
12/20/18 06:31 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
Men Too ... Have Memories


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa .

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2890910
12/24/18 09:34 PM
12/24/18 09:34 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2894470
01/06/19 01:17 AM
01/06/19 01:17 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
The Rabbi
It's bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant
coughing that's disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman
the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells

Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next
sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any Shul member who begins coughing.

So next shabbes, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member
coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the
corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately
gets up and walks out of the Shul.

At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman
and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I said? All I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said "Fa cough"'!

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2894477
01/06/19 01:44 AM
01/06/19 01:44 AM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
The Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record
his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies,
Thats his paper route.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2895235
01/07/19 11:17 PM
01/07/19 11:17 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring .
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
I always wondered how this trend got started.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2895864
01/09/19 11:49 AM
01/09/19 11:49 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,235
P
PPK96754 Offline
Michael Peterson status
PPK96754  Offline
Michael Peterson status
***
P

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,235
Why oh why are you being the jokester on the erBB when you could be speeding down the 405 in your 67 454 ci Corvette??

Priorities John!
PRIOritiES Sir!


It's just you, and your ability to paddle and surf - catching & riding waves is all on you, period ~ ~ ~ MitchellC
Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: PPK96754] #2895917
01/09/19 03:25 PM
01/09/19 03:25 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
J
john4surf Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
john4surf  Offline OP
Phil Edwards status
***
J

Joined: May 2005
Posts: 6,830
CBS, CA
Ha Ha! The thirsty bugger is getting some adjustments at the shop for a few days.

Just passing it forward if anyone is interested.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Page 34 of 41 1 2 32 33 34 35 36 40 41

Moderated by  Groundswell, Nameless60, r32