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Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: Joshua2415] #2855711
10/04/18 06:57 PM
10/04/18 06:57 PM
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applause

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2855715
10/04/18 07:04 PM
10/04/18 07:04 PM
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Jonestown
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Unpopular opinion: I really hate political parties. I feel like when we call ourselves Democrats or Republicans, we all forget what we are Americans - Americans that love the country and each other. - David Hogg
Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2855904
10/05/18 12:32 AM
10/05/18 12:32 AM
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BARBIE Dolls

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'


The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.


The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'


The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2860252
10/16/18 12:09 AM
10/16/18 12:09 AM
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A guy walks into an upscale bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got
any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a
new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It is a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"

"We call it a 'Pabst Smir'.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2860756
10/17/18 02:11 AM
10/17/18 02:11 AM
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The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico.

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada ?"

Trump: "Okay, I'll call Justin Trudeau and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all coloured with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:


MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2861905
10/18/18 09:00 PM
10/18/18 09:00 PM
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2865242
10/25/18 02:00 AM
10/25/18 02:00 AM
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I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck It'll run on hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.'Nelson', the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, a woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, 'Crazy Bitch!'

The radio replied, "HILLARY or PELOSI ?"

I love this truck!

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2870096
11/02/18 08:02 PM
11/02/18 08:02 PM
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A professor told his class: "Fame will come to you only after you succeed."

A blonde asked, "Who is Seed?"

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2876411
11/16/18 11:11 PM
11/16/18 11:11 PM
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A Tale of Two Diaries...

Wifes Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with
me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
We had sex, he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2876428
11/16/18 11:48 PM
11/16/18 11:48 PM
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ARE California POLLS REALLY ACCURATE ?


The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether
people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2879209
11/24/18 08:50 PM
11/24/18 08:50 PM
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O..K.?'

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2879480
11/25/18 07:33 PM
11/25/18 07:33 PM
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.


Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.


Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"


"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..


"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2882874
12/04/18 05:18 PM
12/04/18 05:18 PM
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An old carp's wisdom

I was the only speaker to show up at my grand kids school, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullsh!t. Since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"

I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women and whiskey. The rest I just wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:

1) If it flies, floats, or farks it's cheaper to rent it.

2) If it's got t!ts or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish. They need to know this sh!t...

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2883112
12/05/18 01:40 AM
12/05/18 01:40 AM
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Billy Bobs Vacation



Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go...



Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.



Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.



Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."



Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"



"I'm taking Earlene with me."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2883420
12/05/18 07:00 PM
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The ED exam

Old Bill was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, Bill, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection with Hillary either."

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