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Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2909207
02/06/19 12:11 AM
02/06/19 12:11 AM
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Only joke I know.......

A Texas cowboy takes his two sons, 5 and 7 years old, out for lunch.

The waitress comes over to take their order and says to the 5 year old 'Whatcha gonna have, Sugar?'

The 5 year old says in a thick Texas drawl, 'I'm gonna have me a God-damn cheeseburger'.

The cowboy father immediately reaches across the table and violently slaps the kid hard across the face.

The waitress is shocked and quickly tries cover up the situation by asking the 7 year old 'What about you honey - what are you gonna order?'

The 7 year old says 'You bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna order no God-damn cheeseburger!'


No Cooks! If you don't live here you don't souffl here! - Festus Porkmeyer
Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2909761
02/07/19 01:18 AM
02/07/19 01:18 AM
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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.
Teacher: Who said Four Score and Seven Years Ago?


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, Abraham Lincoln.


Thats right, Susie, you can go home.


Teacher: Who said I Have a Dream?


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, Martin Luther King.


Thats right, Mary, you can go.


Teacher: Who said Ask not, what your country can do for you?


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, John F. Kennedy.


Thats right, Nancy, you may also leave.



The teacher turns her back. Johnny yells in frustration, I wish those dumb bitches would keep their mouths shut!



The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: WHO SAID THAT?!


Johnny replies: Harvey Weinstein. Ill see you tomorrow?

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2911542
02/10/19 07:47 PM
02/10/19 07:47 PM
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5ive or 6ix decades I heard a joke and turned out to be the first Joke I ever remembered and told again.
Now with the end of thee erBB Im telling it again bending it to say So Long to the friendsI have made here.

It was a very hot day , it was flat, no waves. nothing was going at the offices of SURFER magazine ...It was like a funeral no one spoke the only sound made was a fan.
A short grimmie runs in and asks Do you have a restroom I can use? ~ " up stairs to the right he turns runs up and turns Left and the only thing he sees a hole in the floor....
He walks back down the the Surfer magazine staff are moaning it looks like a bomb went off
What happened?
"Little man all spic n' span, where the Hell where you when the Shit Hit The Fan?

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2912148
02/12/19 12:33 AM
02/12/19 12:33 AM
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Who in the hell is Steve? Well let me tell ya .... Steve is the
accountant guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says,
Where the hell have you been?

Steve replies: I was out getting a tattoo!

A tattoo?' she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?

I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust. Why
on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Steve is in the Hospital, room 233.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2914625
02/17/19 02:10 AM
02/17/19 02:10 AM
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Theory vs. Reality
Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father.

The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys d!ck. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me."

Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him."

"Would you do it for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Hell yes!"

He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions.

Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure."

Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go."

Johnny asks, "What do you mean?"

The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two c0cksuckers."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2916940
02/21/19 09:01 PM
02/21/19 09:01 PM
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. Youre just like Frank."
Passenger : Who?"



Cabbie : "Frank Feldman. Hes a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."



Passenger : "There are always a few clouds over everybody."



Cabbie : "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger : "Sounds like he was really something special."



Cabbie : "Theres more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."



Passenger : "Wow, what a guy!"



Cabbie : He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."



Passenger : "How did you meet him?"



Cabbie : I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2917129
02/22/19 02:11 AM
02/22/19 02:11 AM
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Question: When is the use of "@#$%" or "@#$%ing" acceptable?


Answer: There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.


In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:



11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we re sinking?"

~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.


10. "What the @#$% was that?"

~ Mayor o f Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

~ George Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

~ Albert Einstein, 1938.


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

~ Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

~ Pythagoras, 126 BC.


5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

~ Michelangelo, 1566.


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

~ Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

~ Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

~ Bill Clinton, 1998


"AND THE WINNER IS ...

1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

~ Hillary Clinton, 2016

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2921820
03/02/19 09:04 PM
03/02/19 09:04 PM
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A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, Do you have a gun in your possession?
She replied in her crackly voice, Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.
The shocked trooper asked, Is that all the weapons you are transporting?
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Clarking Thing."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2921824
03/02/19 09:58 PM
03/02/19 09:58 PM
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Don't get that one. Here is one I like:

A mother and father are snooping around in their kid's room looking for drugs.

They lift the mattress and find a stack of hardcore BDSM porn.

"What do we do?" asks the mother.

The father answers: "I don't know, but we probably shouldn't spank him."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: sickdog] #2922150
03/03/19 07:31 PM
03/03/19 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted By: sickdog
Don't get that one. Here is one I like:

A mother and father are snooping around in their kid's room looking for drugs.

They lift the mattress and find a stack of hardcore BDSM porn.

"What do we do?" asks the mother.

The father answers: "I don't know, but we probably shouldn't spank him."


Ha Ha! My previous post, in response to the cops question, "What are you afraid of <because you have so many guns>?" Her response was actually, "Not a fvcking thing" but the erBB used to use Clark as the 'F' word shortly after Clark suddenly shut down the Clark foam surfboard business, eg he Clarked the industry!

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2922743
03/04/19 09:06 PM
03/04/19 09:06 PM
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The young stud was chatting up a pretty attractive 60 year old woman in the bar. He thought about how nice she looked and wondered to him self, if she has a daughter the gal would be pretty hot if she took after her mom. They had a couple of drinks and the conversation was friendly and there appeared to be a small connection. The woman then asked the stud if he had ever participated in a Sportsmans Double. "What's that?" he asked. She replied, "It's a mother-daughter threesome!" As his mind began to embrace the idea, he wondered what the daughter might look like. "No, I never have tried the Sportsman Double"
They had another drink and the woman told him, "Well, tonight's your lucky night!" They went back to her place and she told him to get comfortable. Then she turned to the hall way and called out, "Mother, are you still awake?"

Last edited by john4surf; 03/04/19 09:09 PM.
Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2922759
03/04/19 09:16 PM
03/04/19 09:16 PM
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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the sh!t out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the sh!t out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two farking Muslims."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2922935
03/05/19 02:50 AM
03/05/19 02:50 AM
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While enjoying their evening cocktails at home, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband .
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly .

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?
He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation ,

She said, "Check the garage."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2923088
03/05/19 03:39 PM
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A Chinese guy comes into the bar, stands next to me and starts drinking.

I ask him, "Do you know karate, Kung foo or tai kwan do?

He replies, "Why you ask? You ask because I Chinese?"

I say, "No, I ask because you're drinking my fvcking beer."

Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf] #2923373
03/05/19 09:09 PM
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