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#2896751 - 01/11/19 09:33 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it...

...and she said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

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#2897176 - 01/12/19 10:45 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

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#2897689 - 01/13/19 08:49 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A plane full of politicians crashed just outside a popular California surf break. When the lifeguards and Rangers finally showed up they questioned the group of surfers hanging around the beach parking lot.

The cops and State Parks Rangers asked what happened, one of the old carps told them the plane crashed and we buried the whole lot of them.

One of the Ranger's asked, "you buried them all?" "How do you know they were dead?"

"Well, some of them were screaming, 'we're OK! We're not dead!"

The old carp said, "Well, you know politician's lie so we buried them all!"

See you in the surf!









Edited by john4surf (01/13/19 10:08 PM)

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#2900929 - 01/19/19 12:35 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.

How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.

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#2902273 - 01/22/19 02:43 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
The grom heard noises coming from his parents bedroom. He walked in on them in the middle of wild passionate sex. The old man was in chaps, mom was in her skimpy cheer leaders outfit. The grom Billy yelled, "what are you doing?!?" Dad says, "go back to your room Billy, I'll be there in about 10 minutes."

Billy leaves, the parents passion continues.

After a while, dad goes to Billy's room. He hears noises coming from the groms room. Dad opens the door and there's Billy giving it to his grandmother. "Billy! What the hell?!?" Billy replies, "Its not so funny when its your mom getting banged is it?"

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#2904129 - 01/26/19 12:16 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
xxx Offline
Nep status
*

Registered: 11/17/06
Posts: 686
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says "Yep, I sure do".
Satan says "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says "Nope, I sure ain't".
Satan, perturbed, asks "And why aren't you afraid of me?" "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years".

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#2904549 - 01/27/19 12:27 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
An oldie but goodie





Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

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#2904616 - 01/27/19 03:03 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
xxx Offline
Nep status
*

Registered: 11/17/06
Posts: 686
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him "You're a pig! A pig with no honour! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!"
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" sobbed the angry wife "but they will be your LAST words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colours don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly 'Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

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#2904617 - 01/27/19 03:04 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: xxx]
xxx Offline
Nep status
*

Registered: 11/17/06
Posts: 686
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:" What in the world happened?" The assistant replied "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

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#2904752 - 01/28/19 12:28 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
Kento Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 01/11/02
Posts: 48305
Loc: The Bar
Originally Posted By: john4surf
The grom heard noises coming from his parents bedroom. He walked in on them in the middle of wild passionate sex. The old man was in chaps, mom was in her skimpy cheer leaders outfit. The grom Billy yelled, "what are you doing?!?" Dad says, "go back to your room Billy, I'll be there in about 10 minutes."

Billy leaves, the parents passion continues.

After a while, dad goes to Billy's room. He hears noises coming from the groms room. Dad opens the door and there's Billy giving it to his grandmother. "Billy! What the hell?!?" Billy replies, "Its not so funny when its your mom getting banged is it?"


That was so wrong.

Which is my way of saying I heartily approve of this joke. jam_on
_________________________
Nothing is obscene provided it is done in bad taste.

Russ Meyer

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#2907611 - 02/02/19 11:50 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.

But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.

And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

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#2907699 - 02/02/19 05:04 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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#2907768 - 02/02/19 08:14 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.

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#2907861 - 02/03/19 01:11 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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#2909109 - 02/05/19 04:21 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6702
Loc: CBS, CA
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.


She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible surfing accident and his scrotum was completely crushed."


The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.


"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."


We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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