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#2896751 - 01/11/19 09:33 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it...

...and she said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

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#2897176 - 01/12/19 10:45 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

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#2897689 - 01/13/19 08:49 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
A plane full of politicians crashed just outside a popular California surf break. When the lifeguards and Rangers finally showed up they questioned the group of surfers hanging around the beach parking lot.

The cops and State Parks Rangers asked what happened, one of the old carps told them the plane crashed and we buried the whole lot of them.

One of the Ranger's asked, "you buried them all?" "How do you know they were dead?"

"Well, some of them were screaming, 'we're OK! We're not dead!"

The old carp said, "Well, you know politician's lie so we buried them all!"

See you in the surf!









Edited by john4surf (01/13/19 10:08 PM)

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#2900929 - 01/19/19 12:35 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.

How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.

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#2902273 - Today at 02:43 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
The grom heard noises coming from his parents bedroom. He walked in on them in the middle of wild passionate sex. The old man was in chaps, mom was in her skimpy cheer leaders outfit. The grom Billy yelled, "what are you doing?!?" Dad says, "go back to your room Billy, I'll be there in about 10 minutes."

Billy leaves, the parents passion continues.

After a while, dad goes to Billy's room. He hears noises coming from the groms room. Dad opens the door and there's Billy giving it to his grandmother. "Billy! What the hell?!?" Billy replies, "Its not so funny when its your mom getting banged is it?"

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