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#2358229 - 05/28/15 07:06 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
jonibebadd Offline
Grom

Registered: 04/12/09
Posts: 57
where do suicide bombers go when they die?







Everywhere

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#2362377 - 06/09/15 09:41 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim.

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.

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#2362385 - 06/09/15 10:23 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too."

"Again I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. "Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake."
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2362584 - 06/09/15 07:07 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: ElOgro]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA


A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

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#2362805 - 06/10/15 12:58 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new Zealand farm, and in a
back paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep.
The farmer says "Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep"
and the New Zealander replies "get Stuffed - I'm not shearing
this sheep with anyone.
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2369595 - 06/27/15 09:22 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA


Subject: 6 years


Early one morning an elderly, retired Soldier yelled to his wife:

Honey, come see what I created! Its an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency.


She yelled back: Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast !"

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#2369952 - 06/29/15 11:14 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA
Husbands Text Message to wife:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to On my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in
the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
Love you......

Wifes Response:
Who the Fvck is Paula?

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#2369960 - 06/29/15 11:41 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
A man and his pet monkey go into a bar.

The man orders a beer and as the bartender is bringing the beer the monkey suddenly jumps on the bar, eats all the peanuts, popcorn, lemon slices lemon slices from the bar well, and a couple of napkins.

The monkey then jumps off the bar hops across the floor to the pool table where he jumps up on the table, grabs the que ball, looks at it, and swallows it whole.

The owner of the bar is outraged and tells the man he's gonna have to pay for the damage. The man agrees to pay, pays up, and leaves.

A month later the man and the monkey return to the same bar. The man orders a beer and the monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, looks at it, and eats it.

The bar customers are retching, the bartender asks the man wtf is up with your monkey?

The man answers "ever since the last time we were here he likes to measure before he eats anything."
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2370425 - 06/30/15 04:32 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: ElOgro]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA
Uploaded with Imgupr

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#2370598 - 07/01/15 02:21 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
Icu812 Offline
Grom
***

Registered: 06/23/13
Posts: 137
Loc: WEST of 101
A guys comes home late after drinking with his buddies. He's got a chicken under his arm, he opens the door to his house and there's his wife waiting...he says, 'here's the pig I've been f*cking', his wife says, 'that's not a pig you idiot'...he says...'I was talking to the chicken'...
_________________________
It's already good tomorrow...

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#2370622 - 07/01/15 09:01 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
laidback Offline
Kelly Slater status
**

Registered: 02/09/07
Posts: 7791
Loc: NOC
Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says, "That's pretty cool....were'd you get him"
parrot says, "Africa.....there's millions of them"
_________________________
Nobody surfs here anymore..........it's too crowded
Women have zero ability to self-analyze when it comes to nagging
shaka

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#2370625 - 07/01/15 09:07 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: laidback]
subway Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 12/31/08
Posts: 6073
Loc: LBNY
A gynecologist is having a drink with a colleague one evening, and says "you'll never believe this clitoris today, it was just like a pickled Gherkin!!"

The colleague says "no sh+t, it was that big?!"

"No, it was just really salty"

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#2370809 - 07/01/15 09:19 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA







MORE THOUGHTS ON SEX :

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 70 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Camile Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarceration. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton Lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

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#2371231 - 07/03/15 02:15 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA

The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.

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#2371821 - 07/05/15 10:38 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6649
Loc: CBS, CA
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank
and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo S in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.


There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

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