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#2357152 - 05/26/15 10:59 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says,

"Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?"

"No," said the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church," says the priest.

Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again, Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church!" exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world! Now sit down!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant could be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fvcked a penguin. Dopey fvcked a penguin."
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2357154 - 05/26/15 11:05 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
Autoprax Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 01/24/11
Posts: 25555
Loc: Vagina Point
This is a pick up artist joke that is funny if you do right:

You approach the table where there are attractive women sitting.

You say, "Hello, I'm trying to get better at walking up to attractive women and starting a conversation with them." Wait a beat. "Do you mind if I practice on you until any show up?"
_________________________
Competition is everything.

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#2357155 - 05/26/15 11:06 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
Autoprax Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 01/24/11
Posts: 25555
Loc: Vagina Point
Man says to woman in bar: "What's it going to take to get a kiss from you?"

Woman: "Chloroform?"
_________________________
Competition is everything.

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#2357156 - 05/26/15 11:07 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
Autoprax Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 01/24/11
Posts: 25555
Loc: Vagina Point
Man says to a woman in bar: "Where you been all my life?"

Woman: "Hiding from you."
_________________________
Competition is everything.

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#2357157 - 05/26/15 11:08 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain."This is the Staten Island Ferry."
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2357162 - 05/26/15 11:15 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked the elderly couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two week?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway any more either."
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2357719 - 05/27/15 04:58 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: ElOgro]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
I was walking through the mall, and noticed a Muslim book store. Out of curiosity, I went on in.
A bearded tall male clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like the normal clientele). I asked him if they had a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk growled, Fvck off. Get out, and stay out!
I said, Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?

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#2357850 - 05/27/15 10:51 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: Autoprax]
BaliIdiot Offline
Kelly Slater status
**

Registered: 01/09/08
Posts: 8028
Loc: Republik Indonesia Serikat
Originally Posted By: Autoprax
Man says to a woman in bar: "Where you been all my life?"

Woman: "Hiding from you."


Actually it goes like this:

Man says to a woman in bar: "Where you been all my life?"

Woman: "Well, for the first half of it I wasn't yet born!"
_________________________
Arguing with 'ertards is like playing chess against a pigeon. It will knock over the pieces, 5h!t on the board, then strut around like it's victorious.

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#2357854 - 05/27/15 10:58 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: BaliIdiot]
ElOgro Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 16300
Remember this one?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
_________________________
"That's their respect for me... I got leid," Rabbit Kekai

"That's all it takes--one moment." Sponge

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#2357864 - 05/27/15 11:11 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
chuzzlewit Offline
Legend (inyourownmind)

Registered: 02/15/14
Posts: 255
this is from real life - the other day on mother's day - in thick brooklyn accents:

lady to lady2 "happy mother's day!"
lady2 "thanks - you too!"
man with lady2 "what? you ain't gonna wish me happy mother's day?"
lady "you ain't no mother!"
man "i know, but i'm a muthafucka!"


Edited by chuzzlewit (05/27/15 11:48 PM)
_________________________
"that's one small step for me, man...."

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#2357878 - 05/27/15 11:45 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: ElOgro]
BaliIdiot Offline
Kelly Slater status
**

Registered: 01/09/08
Posts: 8028
Loc: Republik Indonesia Serikat
Originally Posted By: ElOgro
Remember this one?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'



An oldie, but maybe one of the best jokes in circulation!
_________________________
Arguing with 'ertards is like playing chess against a pigeon. It will knock over the pieces, 5h!t on the board, then strut around like it's victorious.

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#2357879 - 05/27/15 11:47 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: john4surf]
BaliIdiot Offline
Kelly Slater status
**

Registered: 01/09/08
Posts: 8028
Loc: Republik Indonesia Serikat
I was changing my 'erBB password the other day and I thought I would be clever and typed in 'My_Dick' to which the computer responded, "Not long enough".
_________________________
Arguing with 'ertards is like playing chess against a pigeon. It will knock over the pieces, 5h!t on the board, then strut around like it's victorious.

Top
#2357889 - 05/28/15 12:02 AM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: BaliIdiot]
bsnyder Offline
Michael Peterson status
***

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 2721
Loc: Oceanside Ca.
Good stuff boys.
You know how I know?
Wife hated them!
Carry on!
_________________________
Barry Snyder
Surfboards made by hand. Not machine.

"Stay dusty my friend."

barrysnyderdesigns.com
@barrysnyderdesigns

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#2358172 - 05/28/15 04:36 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: ElOgro]
john4surf Offline
Phil Edwards status
***

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 6651
Loc: CBS, CA
Why there are so few white guy's in the NBA... click https://i.imgur.com/8oewHKo.gif

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#2358174 - 05/28/15 04:44 PM Re: Crude Humor (NSR) [Re: BaliIdiot]
SmackDaddy Offline
Duke status
**

Registered: 02/12/02
Posts: 18921
Loc: San Diego, CA
Originally Posted By: BaliIdiot
I was changing my 'erBB password the other day and I thought I would be clever and typed in 'My_Dick' to which the computer responded, "Not long enough".


That's hilarious!
_________________________
I don't often fvck around, but when I do, I don't fvck around.

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