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What's up with Bald Surfers? #1360435
02/13/09 03:03 PM
02/13/09 03:03 PM
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srfdrnk66 Offline OP
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The following heavy surf journalism is from STAB MAGAZINE. (the best in surf news!)

Just in case you're wondering, I sport a slightly modified Elvis on my dome. (no hi-lites )


Throw away your combs, bros...

--- Opinion piece by Charlie Smith ---

"Honey, male pattern baldness is just about the most yuck yuck biological phenomenon in the whole wide world. Seriously ick. I put it right above Spina Bifida and right below menstrual cycles on the sliding scale of international reprehensible grossness. Im gagging just thinking about it.
Baldness plagues males across the globe, but mostly males of Caucasian decent. I guess its the only thing wrong with being white, but still, its a capital T-H-I-N-G. I would gladly trade sickle cell anemia for this rotten curse. Something like 60% of all Euro-rooted men will lose their hairs before they die. 40% will lose them before theyre 40.
Rumours fly about where follicle retreat comes from (your mothers father) and what to do if you start to recede (buy minoxidil) but its really like AIDS. Nobody knows nothing except that it is super fey. And girls wont go with the affected anymore. Genetically defective little pervs are cast into outer darkness where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Fortunately, surfing seems to retard hair loss. From my double blind statistical survey (looking at surf mags) only 5% of surfers suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Im not a scientist (because theyre ugly) but maybe theres something in the mix of saltwater, sun and pollution that allows for freaky funky hair growth. Honestly, it seems like a bigger prob for les surfeurs is preceding hairlines but well get to that, and before we do lets call Kelly!

Back in the day, everyones favorite world champ was a simple pin-up boy from Cocoa Beach, Floriduh. Sun-kissed skin, dark lonely eyes and chestnut brown hair worn in homoerotic mid 90s fashion. A lil shaggy and a lil dangerous. Watch out, I nibble. At some point, though, it all fell out. Now he bics his head in an ugly attempt to make cranial nudity look like a choice. Hes gone on to win a gazillion world titles and date Pamela Anderson but I was curious if hed trade it all in for one more day with lush, luxurious locks.

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: Kelly, babe, its Charlie from Stab. Look, I was wondering if we could have a little chat about your - rustique. Tell me where to meet and Ill bring some croissants. Ciao.

While waiting for Kelly to call back I decided to mingle with others on their way. This aint the norm for me, darling. You saw my gag in the first paragraph and I usually run from mutants, like kids with leukemia, but for you, Im being brave.
In any case, for every totally tonsured disaster like Kelly there are 10 pathetic little men trying desperately to fool the masses. Take Pat OConnell. I was checking Surfline and saw that he has a new internet show called Going Off with Pat OConnell. Unfortunately for him his first guest was Rob I have more hair than anyone in the world. I have so much hair it makes me sad sometimes Machado. I might not have noticed the light bouncing straight off Pattys attic, or Rob fighting the glare, but I couldnt help but detect Patricks new hair-do. Its a chopped out short spike. The sort of cut that best hides serious recession.
I called his house to dialogue with him about this issue, but he was in Indonesia sunburning his temples. Luckily, his wife was home, but she was not in the sharing mood. She laughed off questions about his stylish thinning and that was it. No mo.

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: Kelly! Saw some pics of you and Cam in Hawaii. You two looked fab! Lets do lunch and talk about your head. Mwah.

The Hobgoods tend toward a floppy laid back steez. Two twin brothers just a-fishin and a-grinnin. Wouldnt change if they could. So provincial and deliciously quaint. I bet they eat chicken dinner with their parents. You go, boys. Its a shame that, these days, they share one mans hair. Damo looks like hes catching the worst of it. Maybe Ceej is selfish and plucks out young Damians hairs as he sleeps. I cant say for sure. Their fax machine wouldnt return my call, but a highly placed surf executive shared, off the record, that Rogaine has been discussed for sponsorship opportunities. Ive heard Rogaine doesnt help the kind of remission the twins are going through, but what do I know? Ive got a full stack of blondeness.

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: Kell Kell! Youre too much, babes! Listen, call me. Weve got a lot to discuss. That noodle of yours fabulous. Give my love to Eddie! Call me. Bye-bye.

I got to thinking about Mr. Built for Speed, Archie Archbold. In the early 90s he was known for his flaxen tress-work as much as anything he could do on a wave (or on a woman). I cant imagine people really liked his power gouges or his rockin tats it was, just, look at that beautiful, shiny, healthy mane. MmmmMmmm. He was a surfings version of a Broadway musical. In any case, Arch went from hero to zero overnight. When he showed back up, as a revival act, in the mid 00s, he was barren. What happened?
I looked into Archies history and uncovered a dark season. For a few years he was sponsored by the virulently gay clothing company Von Dutch. In a craze that still confounds social theorists, Von Dutch hats were popular for five weeks. Celebutants from Paris to Rod Stewart wouldnt be caught dining at the Ivy minus a jaunty logoed VD bonnet. They were everywhere.
Von Dutchs most popular patron was none other than Brit-Brit Spears. Brittany also used to have gorgeously beautiful curls. Hit me baby one more time because Im a slave for you. Teenage boys would have severed both thumbs if it meant running their remaining digits through her fringe. All that changed one fateful night when Brittany went bald.
Brittany and Archie, woven together by fate. Both were heavenly Adonisees, and both were brought low by repugnant hair loss. Sad. Horace Greeley said it best, Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character (and coiffure).

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: Kellers. Hey, sweets, hate to keep bothering you but we really need to discuss your scalp. Its not bad, its just well, call babe.

Fred Patacchia makes me very qualmish. He is so obviously thin on top and so obviously doesnt care. Major He may be the thinnest of all surfers but well never really know for sure unless Kel lets em grow back (smirk smirk). For now lets just say Fredrick Patacchia is a very unsightly homme. Sometimes I drive by Bud Light billboards and digorge. Freddy darling, please take care of it. Comb-over, toupee, anything. I dont know whats worse. To deny that baldness is happening (Pat) or to accept it in an au natural sort of way.

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: K! So much love. Call me. Bye.

Remember when I mentioned preceding hairlines? You thought I was just dallying about, having a silly little juxtapositional piss, but that was before you looked at a picture of Wayne Rabbit Bartholomew. Ha ha ha! I mean, seriously, can you believe it? His hairline has moved so far down his head that its threatening his ability to see. Or if you dont enjoy viewing old men on line take a peek at Mick Fanning. Even though he buzzes in an attempt to deflect attention its clearly obvious that those shorn follic-lets are creeping south.
Preceding hair is not nearly as ick ick faux pas as the alternative but its certainly a little strange. A man properly aware of his predicament is Timmy Curran. I asked him about it one late weekday night. He had just finished playing an acoustic set with his band, Timmy Curran and the Red Raiders, in Los Angeles. Twas an emotional show on par with anything Kenny Loggins has ever done.

Me: Tim Tim, Tim! Fab guitar work. Im really weepy. Look. Tear stains all over my Etros. What is the biggest fear you have about your topiage?



Tim: By 2010 my hairline will be connected to my eyebrows.

Its true. Tims two trenches are on a collision course. I would say it has something to do with progressive aerial surfing even though Im not a scientist (because they smell bad). Examine Oska Wright. Is that hair or a World War 1 tank helmet thats just about to slip over his eyes? Bruce Irons has one inch of forehead left. Christian Fletcher is a 60 year-old drug addict. Heroin alone should have rotted his filament but there by the grace of God grows he. His head sprouts so quickly that he has to travel with shears. Chris Wards vibrissa has caused him persistent chronic neck fatigue. I could go on and on but the point is clear. Surfing above the lip will lower the thatch.

In the end, and no matter your opinion, surfing and hair go together like bip du bip du bop. A surfers hair is a sexy symbol of all the sun n fun in the whole wide world. An iconic emblem of virility, like ass-less leather chaps. Come and get me baby. I surf.
Freaks like Kell Slats and Freddy P are sad sad sad aberrations. Chimeras which sprout up every a few times every generation. Again, were so lucky that surfers are more prone to precede than recedebut it doesnt mean the pezless are any more palatable. Yucky. Im scratching my tongue.

Kelly: Hey leave a message. Ill try and get back to you. Thanks.
Me: OK, fine lambchop. Youre an ugly man, and money and movie stars will never fill the void where your hair once was. Bald isnt beautiful. Lets still do lunch though, K?"


Wax up!


"No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter..."
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: srfdrnk66] #1360436
02/13/09 03:07 PM
02/13/09 03:07 PM
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i m very happy to not be balding at all
my moms dad had plenty of hair when he died at like 85 so i think i'll be ok

Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: 000] #1360437
02/13/09 03:10 PM
02/13/09 03:10 PM
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Is it true that Donavan Frankenfurtereeter wears a wighat?


"No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter..."
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: srfdrnk66] #1360438
02/13/09 03:16 PM
02/13/09 03:16 PM
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Mission Bay Reef
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All the best internet porn "Woodsmen" are bald.

Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: JethroBodine] #1360439
02/13/09 03:22 PM
02/13/09 03:22 PM
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srfdrnk66 Offline OP
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I feel bad that Jenks lost all his hair at such an early age from all the killer weed and all the perms.





"No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter..."
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: srfdrnk66] #1360440
02/13/09 04:25 PM
02/13/09 04:25 PM
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Gig Harbor
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what's up with bald surfers?? Allow me to defend my brethren. It's not like I went to the store and purchased baldness, you fvcking moron.

next it'll be about chest hair (which is where all my head hair migrated and started turning grey). I'm 35.

I got more chicks once I took a #1 to my head than I ever got with a receding hairline.

There are things you can control that matter (weight, flexibility) and things you can't control that don't really matter (like baldness). But hey whatever makes people feel good about themselves - if it shitting on bald people, they probably don't have much going for them.


"Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance." - John Petit-Senn
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: shiver_me_timbers] #1360441
02/13/09 04:51 PM
02/13/09 04:51 PM
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the swamp
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Shucks,

And I ride a quadfisheggfun board too.

If I get a pedovan can I be in Kaiser's club?


C:-]


It's the dragon's tail as the dragon is being slayed, thrashing about and trying to bring down as much as it can."
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: shiver_me_timbers] #1360442
02/13/09 05:02 PM
02/13/09 05:02 PM
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South Bay
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Quote:

I got more chicks once I took a #1 to my head than I ever got with a receding hairline.




ditto to that my bald brother.


Iorana

surfdad
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: surfdad] #1360443
02/13/09 05:27 PM
02/13/09 05:27 PM
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sur
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The Big Picture:
Baldness is the least of my problems.


Yo Soy El Nino!
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? #1360445
02/13/09 06:12 PM
02/13/09 06:12 PM
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.`..`.><(((>
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.`..`.><(((>
Quote:

Why do bald guys always seem to own convertables???




'Cause they don't have to worry about getting their hair messed up!


Aloha
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: srfdrnk66] #1360446
02/13/09 06:17 PM
02/13/09 06:17 PM
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your mom
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your mom
If we could only get Surfer's Journal and Stab magazines to mate, we would get the best surf magazine EVAR.

Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: shiver_me_timbers] #1360447
02/13/09 07:03 PM
02/13/09 07:03 PM
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world's largest oregon
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Quote:

...I took a #1 to my head...if it shitting on bald people...






"All the best internet porn "Woodsmen" are bald."
-knucklehead

interesting

my forehead started going manifest destiny during the era i was cohabiting w/ a complete psycho biotch. after giving her the boot, what i had left seems to have held up where it still is now.

grandpa was cue ball bald @ 18.


Nature's finest transportation
><((((>
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: royallen] #1360448
02/13/09 07:23 PM
02/13/09 07:23 PM
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Quote:




C:-]


and yes i also sport the slater hair-don't

Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: pjamus] #1360449
02/13/09 08:20 PM
02/13/09 08:20 PM
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beneath the blue suburban sky
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My moms dad had a full head of hair his whole life. Never gained weight or shrunk either.

Im not worryin bout it yet.


Bomb Hills not Countries.
Re: What's up with Bald Surfers? [Re: dkennedys11] #1360450
02/13/09 08:52 PM
02/13/09 08:52 PM
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@, <, or = 125 kilometers o...
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i don't know what is up with bald surfers either, sometimes it's cool to just bust a new doo out like'n it more streamline, Did that guy have a new board too? New partners pay attention more after the hair-color treatment fades or shave'n it down just might be sleek if it was on or near a focal date like near a holiday, travel destinaton or somethng else. Was he local? It's usually better to ask the nation of shaved what time its, & if experienced, bald surfers may hear easier as well maybe as long as their on it I'm good what's with you & all the bald surfers though?


"May it be me or it maybe you."
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